All About Mom(ME)
In high school, I watched an episode of Oprah (surprise, surprise!) where the guests—all mothers—examined what made them successful parents, what regrets they had, if any, and what lessons they would pass on to new moms embarking on the topsy-turvy but lovely journey of raising another human being. Interestingly, I’ve always remembered that one mother shared what she believed to be the key to producing happy, well-adjusted, and fulfilled kids—put yourself and your marriage first. In response to this rarely shared sentiment, I realize many mothers would shake their heads in disbelief, let out a gasp of reproach, or hate this woman for her brazen honesty.
In thinking about this notion, I thought of writer Ayelet Waldman, the self-described “Bad Mother,” who received a lot of flack for publicly expressing similar feelings in a 2005 New York Times article. When comparing her husband’s love for their children to her own, she writes: “Loving me more than his children does not bother him. It does not make him feel like a bad father. He does not feel that loving me more than he loves them is a kind of infidelity. And neither, I suppose, should I. I should not use that wretched phrase ‘bad mother.’”
{ My heart belongs to each }While I would give my son the world and feel that it’s quite normal for a mother’s devotion to be focused on her children, I do concede that Oprah’s guest and Waldman have a point. (I admittedly don’t feel as strongly as Waldman and would not characterize my love for my husband as she does—I feel like both he and my son are my core even though my love for each is different—but I agree that she shouldn't be labeled as “bad” for feeling so). Plus, the more I think about it—and the more I think back on my childhood with my mom—I know there is immeasurable value in prioritizing your own needs as mother if not ahead of those of your children at least alongside of them.
To illustrate that a mother’s needs are not incompatible or mutually exclusive with her children’s, I can simply paint you a picture of my childhood home. My mom, whether staying at home caring for me or logging hours as part of the work force, and whether single following her divorce or later married, always made me feel like her number one priority even though she also enjoyed personal pursuits. She’d volunteer to teach art projects at my school; she’d pick me up at the bus stop every afternoon at 4:30 PM; she’d learn to French braid my hair for a ballet recital; she’d drive me to and from five dance classes per week; she’d read to me and snuggle for an extra few minutes every night before going to bed; she’d put lots of cheese on very little broccoli; she’d edit all my English papers and essays; she’d watch 90210 with me; she carried me on her back when my swollen ankle was the size of a grapefruit; and so much more. Meanwhile, she also went out with her best friends; participated in lunch bunch; worked at the Assistance League; went to gallery openings; spent countless hours exercising her green thumb; had to work late on school nights; loved her two mini dachshunds; and spent weekends away in San Francisco, New York City, and Los Angeles.
All this is to say that I never questioned my mom’s love for me even when she spent time on herself, her relationships with others, or on activities that mattered to her. I always thought this was normal. As an adult, I know this experience taught me to see my mom as a whole person rather than just someone who made my school lunches. And in turn, her role modeling taught me about self-reliance, self-fulfillment, confidence, cooperation, loyalty, awareness of and commitment to others, friendship, and love.
So, it seems that one of the best things I can do for my son is to do something good for my marriage and myself. I know that if I feed my meter I will ultimately have more to give him, as it will ensure that I never feel burnt out, resentful, inauthentic, anxious, or lost (all feelings and stressors that I do not want to pass on to the Little Dude) and it will also teach him not to selfishly think that universe always revolves around him. This is why I am going to officially declare this week “All About Me!” In honor of this calendar event, I am joining four beautiful, inspiring women for our inaugural meeting of a monthly club where we support and cheer on each other’s ongoing professional efforts (great company and socializing over dinner are the icing on the cake). Then my husband and I are going to take our first adult-only vacation in two years, and I’m going to enjoy the deserts of Arizona, get a mani/pedi, sit by the pool, and definitely catch up on sleep without any endearing interruptions from the Little Dude. And while I reclaim time to myself, my son will also have the benefit of time to himself. He will experience a new freedom and new environment with his grandparents, one that is not influenced by his parents, and this I know will bring him one step closer to growing into his own, independent person.
By loving my marriage and myself equally with my son, I know everything will fall into place. What about you? Are your needs and desires treated on a par with your children’s? Do you think they should be? If so, how do you prioritize? What do you do to make sure you don’t lose your sense of self?
~ The Other Sarah
5 Comments
Reader Comments (5)
Well said all around. I have always said that the parents come first in the marriage, if they are unhappy then the kids will eventually reflect that in some fashion. So IMO it's also important that you have some time as a couple to be just with eachother before you bring kids into the picture. I have cared for and been around enough kids in my life to know how they will change a life. This is part of the reason we only have 4 leggers right now, and they themselves dictate the orbit enough already. I totally think taking "me" time is important, and for women in general I think it's especially important that they get cared for/pampered on occasion, since they are so often the caregivers. And in no way should that deem them "bad mom." if it is unbalanced and there is too much of that, then maybe.
Anyway, have a wonderful "me" week
Anna
www.akginspiration.com
I am not an Oprah fan and don't watch her regularly...if at all usually. But I did see this episode and that guest's comment stuck with me too so when I saw that you were writing about it (sorry I'm just now starting to read!) I had to comment. I've mentioned it to people before and their jaws drop and they look at me like I've got 3 heads. But it's true. I'm guilty of not loving myself as much as I should...but loving my marriage and showing that to my son will only teach him to do the same one day.
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