Guest Post: I'm Not Really A "Baby Person" . . .
I'm not really a "baby person." But I'm having one anyway.
Being pregnant for the first time is strange, especially for someone like me who wasn't entirely ready for the whole ordeal (but are you ever??). I've now had 13 weeks (nine, technically) to get used to the idea, and it still seems so foreign. What is happening in there? And, oh god, hold up, it has to eventually get out—and I know how that goes—and then we have to take care of it?? Oh, F#$%. What where we THINKING?
See, I am not one of those girls who put pillow cases over her hair and carried around flowers while envisioning my wedding to Prince Charming, which would be followed immediately, natch, by the birth of three tow-headed, gorgeous children who looked at me adoringly and called me Mama.
No, I'm more the type that looked forward to having kids because that meant I'd eventually have someone to pawn bathroom cleaning and and other less-desirable chores off on. You know, like my mom did. (Kidding‚ though I am now an excellent duster. Thanks, Ma.)
I'm just not really a "baby person," which is not at all the same as not wanting one, if that makes sense. I mean no offense to you that will disagree with the following, but I'm serious. Baby shower games—for the most part—creep me out (if I have to sniff a melted candy bar one more time I will vomit in that diaper). I don't fall over myself oohing when I see a napping baby. The sight of a gigantic flower headband on a 3 month old is so bizarre to me. (That cannot be comfortable. We get it. It's a girl.) And pregnancy boudoir shots? Don't. Get. Me. Started.
And really, babies aren't exactly conducive to life-as-we-know-it. When my husband and I got married 3 years ago, we knew we both wanted kids. But we also knew we really, really enjoyed the kid-free life. We liked picking up and taking off for weekends at the coast. We liked drinking more than 30-year-old adults should probably drink on weekdays. We liked spending what little money we had on shoes and restaurants and hotels. We have cats, and demanding ones at that. That was plenty of responsibility for other beings' lives, thanks. And let's face it, kids can be total a-holes. Even Tina Fey admits this. They cry and make a mess and parents have to just deal with all of it. Gah. We were in no rush.
The problem, however, began when my friends started having kids. Adorable, sweet, well-behaved kids. And this totally ruined it. Because if people we love and respect have kids I actually enjoy, even when rudely interrupting getting fussy on our lunch dates, we would no doubt have even more adorable, perfect children. And so things started to change. Yes, we loved our lives, loved being selfish and free and a little drunk on Tuesday nights‚ but it began to occur to me that we had gotten so good at making excuses and pushing the idea of kids to the future that we could do that forever‚ and eventually it would be too late. Because we did want kids‚ we just weren't thrilled about the complete life overhaul that comes with them.
So after many, many discussions about this, we took the plunge and decided to go off the pill. We were't going to try‚ there would be no thermometers in the bedroom, no charts or calendars. We would just not try not to. We'd play without a goalie, if you will. Thanks to my handy Period Tracker app, I still was very aware of the "dangerous" weekends, which we casually avoided the first three months. My period would come, I'd breathe a sigh of relief, and I'd pour myself a dirty martini to celebrate.
And then one dangerous weekend we decided to play the odds‚ once. And BAM. Pregnant. And all I could think, staring at the second test with a bright blue line on it, was, "Oh, f&*% me." As soon as I could track down the hubby‚ um, at a bar‚ I remember nervously staring at him while the words tumbled out of my mouth, having no idea what his reaction would be. Fortunately, the man I love let out a whoop and kissed me about 30 times before laughing at the utter terror in my eyes, "Babe‚ this is what we wanted. This is awesome!"
And so here we are, one trimester down. When people squeal and "OMG AREN'T YOU THRILLED???" at me, I still cringe a bit. Happy? Yes. Thrilled? Not yet. But I'm getting better, I am. At around 9 weeks I stopped hissing, "It's still a fetus" at the pre-natal yoga instructor when she sing-songed, "Now, breathe into your baaaaby," and I'm no longer weirded out when my friends completely get ahead of themselves and buy me (admittedly adorable) onesies.
I'm sure I'll get to the thrilled part at some point, but for now, I'm okay just feeling relieved that my body has been performing this completely natural human function so effortlessly. But I know what the answer should be‚ at least to OMG BABIES! people‚ and so I put on a smile and assure them that yes, we are very excited. Because we are‚ we're just also nervous and scared and confused and worried‚ and totally okay with that. Because we also know this kid, even on his or her most a-hole days, will be awesome and incredibly loved and ours‚ and eventually, the best toilet scrubber in history, mark my words.
~ Pam Huber
Salt & Nectar thanks Pam for guest blogging today. Pam Huber is a Southern California senior graphic artist currently (and reluctantly) stuck in Central California. She passes the time cooking, reading, and avoiding Fox News. Stay tuned for her installments on the ridiculous things preggos do and her road to (maybe, just maybe) becoming a baby person. In the meantime, you can follow Pam on her blog Seriously Yum.
9 Comments
Reader Comments (9)
Pam, I was so there. I hate to admit it, but I'm totally the obnoxious mom now, pretty much unable to talk about anything but how cool my kid is. BUT before I met the little dude? “Oh, f&*% me.” was pretty much my pregnancy mantra! Also? Babies go to bed early. Drunk Tuesdays are still totally acceptable :)
Cute post Pam :) I would have to say I was definitely not a baby person before having my own kids. It's amazing how you change. I'm honestly still not a "baby" person. I think they are cute and all, but I have no overwhelming desire to hold every baby I come across. That doesn't mean I don't adore my own kids :)
Tori, I love it. Drunk Tuesday will prevail! And yes, I'm sure MY kid will also be awesome and my phone will be filled to the brim with pics of all the completely "original" things it does (kind of the way it is currently with pics of my cat-babies...which really should be considered a far more serious problem. I'm working on it.)
Love it. Great post.
Oh, and I'm with Tori... drunk Tuesdays do not have to end once kiddos are here :)
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Oh man, have you got another thing coming! I was of this mindset, pretty much 100%, and the first year of my kid's life almost killed me. I thought I'd just have the baby, put him in my pocket and continue on with my hectic, thrilling, deeply fulfilling life. COUGH. Didn't quite happen like that! Took a lot of adjusting, personally and as a family. Had to rethink career plans, revise old agreements on household duties and balance, and just generally adjust to "enjoying" the little things, 80% of which weren't actually all that interesting or enjoying. But, we put in the effort as a family to balance it all out again, so that we can both be personally fulfilled. Our son is also now 13 months, which is an age I much prefer over babies (whew!). I no longer want to buy a station wagon and escape by myself, indefinitely, to some desert campsite in New Mexico. Just a few weeks ago, I also realized I was absolutely loving being a parent, for the first time. It is truly an honor. So, good luck! And some unsolicited advice: as soon as you can wrap your head around it, go all in. That's the only way it will ever be fun.
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