Why I Unapologetically Judge Other Mothers
TODAY Show and Parenting.com recently conducted a survey whose results have made the rounds on the blogosphere. Described as The Mom-Judging Olympics, as near as I can tell it's supposed to make you feel like shit if you've ever judged another mom.
According to the article, "nearly 90 percent of us judge other moms, for everything from breast-feeding habits to bratty kids, our TODAY Moms/Parenting.com survey of 26,000 moms found."
Well, I'm here to say. I judge. I judge a lot. And I don't feel an ounce a guilt about it.
Hold on! Before you start chucking tomatoes or composing your comment, hear me out.
I make judgments about every manner of parenting decisions. I judge breastfeeding to be superior to formula. I judge spanking to be an ineffective form of discipline. I judge Barney to be the most annoying children's television show of all time. Because that's what judgment is, making decisions about what is superior — what is best for you and your family.
And since the last time I checked there is no real manual for this parenting gig, all you can do is take in the evidence that surrounds you, which is more often than not other parents, and make those decisions. How easy is it for your breastfeeding friend to feed her baby on the fly? How easy is it for your formula feeding friend to leave her baby with a babysitter? Does your nephew act better after a spanking or several minutes in time out? How many hours of daily Barney viewing before your neighbor ripped her TV out of the wall? These are valid and important questions.
But here's where I take issue with the survey. I judge other mom's decisions but I don't judge other moms and I think that is a very important distinction. I know fantastic mothers who feed their babies formula. My best friend in the world—the mother I call in the middle of the night when I don't know what to do—spanks her kids. I have dear, wonderful, incredible friends who make all manner of parenting decisions that I would not.
But I do - REPEAT DO NOT - think they are bad mothers. To me, being a "bad mother" means one thing and one thing only. It means you aren't doing the best you can for your kids. And I don't know many of those.
Unfortunately, it's hard to convince anyone else of that. The mere mention of breastfeeding or cloth diapers or God forbid co-sleeping sends the most self-assured of moms into a defensive posture worthy of a rattlesnake. It's not surprising. We all take this job so damn seriously and we want more than anything to know we're doing a good job.
But maybe just maybe, when another mom is sharing her birth story, it's not a judgment on yours. Or when a friend passionately defends breastfeeding, it's not because she thinks formula is the devil. Hell, even if another woman straight up acts like the most judgmental bitch of all time, take a deep breath and send some compassion her way, there's an excellent chance she's judging merely because she's insecure about her own choices.
After all, you know you're not a bad mother. You know you love your kids and are doing the best you can.
And if you don't, you have way bigger problems than a raised eyebrow or critical comment.
~ Sarah Stewart Holland
6 Comments
Reader Comments (6)
if you can't say something nice...come sit by me :) well-said on the distinction between judging parenting, and judging parents. this is also known as "discernment," and is a scary word in both home and church. if i might share : http://irreverin.wordpress.com/2011/08/08/the-good-theology-of-a-bad-muffin/" rel="nofollow">
"I judge other mom’s decisions but I don’t judge other moms" yet the title is Why I Unapologetically Judge Other Mothers. I guess the title should be why I judge other mom's decisions.
Good article. HOWEVER, I have been meaning to mention that well bred Southern girls do not use the S--- word except in extreme frustration or pain, and certainly not in print. It was Mom's most hated word and I caught her feeling. You have a wonderful vocabulary so you don't need it.
Amy, fair point. I'd be lying if I didn't confess I was trying to stir up a bit of controversy with that title. ;)
Erin did you mean to post a link. I can't see it.
Sorry, Meema. :(
Good thoughts Sarah, but I agree...any shock value from cuss words (b,s, and h) overcome the excellent thought in the sentence. I don't think you talk that and most women don't like to hear or read it.
My rule with my three kids were bathroom words stay in the bathroom (all of them).
Again, good thoughts and I'm excited for you in your new position at Paducah Life!
i did mean to post a link, but wordpress didn't like it. even though it was a wordpress link. (??) anyway, no big deal...