The last thing a mother needs is more guilt
I went to a baby shower this weekend. As often happens when women gather, the conversation turned to babies and birth. I was seated next to a lovely woman I had been acquainted with growing up, who had recently moved home to raise a family. We were sharing our very similar stories, when I told her that I had given birth at home and had a wonderful experience.
“I’m so jealous,” she said as she told me she had wanted a natural birth but ended up with a c-section. I could hear the disappointment and sadness in her voice.
“But I know all that matters is my baby was healthy in the end." She gave me a small smile.
I stopped her.
“Actually, I don’t think that is all that matters. You are clearly still very upset and sad over what happened and I think that is a completely valid way to feel,” I told her. Her eyes filled with tears.
“Thank you so much for saying that,” she whispered.
Well-meaning family and friends had told her to focus on her healthy baby. They hoped to help her “get over” her birth experience. However, she confessed it never really made her feel any better...only guilty for feeling disappointed at all.
We all enter motherhood with high expectations. Whether you’ve dreamt of motherhood since cradling that first baby doll or stumbled into it by surprise, we all are filled with visions of what we will look like as mothers.
I saw myself as the mother of girls. I saw myself breastfeeding well into my child’s first year. I saw myself never spanking.
Inevitably, those visions and expectations get adjusted...if not outright destroyed. Some have a harder road than others. Some of us face real tragedy and life-altering situations. However, this is not a zero sum game. One tragedy doesn’t soak up all the sadness for lesser disappointments. To quote Dr. Phil (which I assure you I RARELY DO), “If you are sitting in a hospital bed with a broken leg and the person next to you is in a coma, that does not make your leg not broken.”
So, if you are out there right now feeling sadness over a broken dream, please hear me. Do not let someone tell you what you are feeling is not valid. Motherhood is a journey filled with missteps and stumbles and it is hard enough without feeling guilty over every fall. Feel sad. Feel disappointed.
But please don’t feel guilty.
~ Sarah Stewart Holland
6 Comments
Reader Comments (6)
Thanks, Sarah! I need the last paragraph tattooed in big letters on my arm, guilt is such a default mode for me!
Courtney, think we could get a group discount at the tattoo parlor! ;)
I too did not get the birth experience, or even pregnancy experience, that I had envisioned since a young girl. I heard my mother boast about her smooth pregnancies and uneventful, swift labors and I watched my older sister carry her babies with ease, delivering her sons within a few hours. Naturally I assumed it was in my genes to be that glowing, active pregnant woman and I expected to have a beautiful birth story for my daughter who I just knew I would deliver naturally. Boy was I wrong. I was on bed rest at 22 weeks, had surgery at 26 weeks, and delivered my darling girl by a c-section gone terribly wrong at 39 weeks. If that wasn't enough, on her 2 week birthday I began hemorraging and I needed an emergency D&C and two blood transfusions.
Needless to say I DID NOT get the experience I wanted and I was surrounded by people telling me to count my blessings because I was alive and my baby was perfect. While I did feel incredibly blessed and happy, I was also overcome with disappointment and sadness feeling cheated out of a blissful pregnancy and witnessing my daughter's birth. It took an awesome counselor and some deep soul searching to realize that my feelings were okay and that I wasn't an ungrateful mother for feeling them.
Thank you for this post because more women need to be reminded that it's okay to not be okay, that you can be thankful and disappointed at the same time, and that guilt will only swallow you up.
Lea, Thank you so much for sharing your story! I am so sorry you didn't have the birth experience you wanted but I'm glad you've found some peace. One of my favorite expressions is a writer who said he had "peace in the background" I think that's about all any of us can expect. :)
I LOVE the Dr. Phil quote. It is so true and people don't seem to remember it often. Good for you for trying to understand her position and not just pumping her up full of honest, but ultimately not helpful commentary. Love it.
Right! Paige, I think you've hit in why it's so hard. You know the person loves you and you know what they are saying is true so why don't you FEEL any different! It would be different if it was some jerk off the street ;)